


left me in the dark

by ZeGabz



Series: left me blind [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: A look at what might have been, Alternate Universe - Canon, Gen, in which one decision changes the course of many lives
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-28
Updated: 2015-12-28
Packaged: 2018-05-10 00:33:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5561932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZeGabz/pseuds/ZeGabz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Ben, I thought you would be able to teach my daughter the skill of punctuality," Luke says, eyes closing once more.<br/>"She still has much to learn," Ben replies with a sly glance in her direction. She punches him in the arm.</p><p>Funny how a single decision, a single resistance, can change the courses of so many lives.</p><p>Spoilers within.</p>
            </blockquote>





	left me in the dark

**Author's Note:**

> This is a continuation of the "left me blind" series, so I definitely suggest catching up before reading this, though you don't necessarily have to. As always, enjoy. :)

She awakens to crisp, fresh air. It's not the island, but something similar to it. The air is a bit warmer and dryer. She's in a room carved from stone, with only a simple cot and footlocker furnishing it.

She sits up, kicking off the thin red blanket covering her.

"Finn?" she calls. "Poe?"

A knock sounds at her small door, swift and light.

"Rey, you didn't forget morning sparring, did you?" Understanding clicks all at once, and the names of her friends vanish from her mind.

"Coming!" she replies, swinging out of bed. She slips into some loose beige robes, straps on her boots, and grabs her training staff. She opens her door to find the source of the voice still waiting, casually leaning against the doorframe.

She freezes.

Standing before her, in dark brown robes and wearing a gentler expression than she's ever seen is Kylo Ren.

"Took you long enough," he says, hand reaching out to muss her hair, worn down for the day. She blinks, utterly confused.

"What are you doing here?" she asks, gripping her staff tightly. He frowns, puzzled.

"You hit your head training?" he teases. "It's me, kiddo. _Ben_."

"Ben," she whispers. He nods.

"Now come on, Master Luke is waiting." He grabs her hand and pulls her along, through the winding corridors. Other students greet them and wave as they jog towards the training clearing.

She shakes her hand out of his and he snorts as they continue running. "That's the Rey I know. Awake now?" Rey shakes her head, clearing it of the haze of sleep. She can't believe she didn't recognize her own cousin and favorite training partner.

They burst into the courtyard right on time, and her father is sitting on the grass, eyes closed. He opens one when they reach him, amused.

"Ben, I thought you would be able to teach my daughter the skill of punctuality," he says, eyes closing once more.

"She still has much to learn," Ben replies with a sly glance in her direction. She punches him in the arm.

"Traitor," she whispers. He shrugs casually.

Her father rises. "To be honest, I didn't have any set plans for training today," he begins.

"Can we just spar?" Rey requests.

"You won't win this time," Ben warns in a good-natured murmur. Luke shakes his head at them, bemused.

"Actually, I have a mission for the two of you, off-world." Ben's mouth curves into an eager smirk, and he shoots a glance Rey's way. Luke shifts his gaze over to Ben, specifically. "It comes straight from your mother." Ben's smile falters, just barely, but Rey notices it all the same.

Ben's relationship with his parents, while not necessarily bad, is somewhat strained. Both seem to fear his powers, understandably so, and as much as Ben tries to brush it off, it hurts. She's the only one he confides in about that, the only one who can truly understand the burden of their family's legacy.

"Is she here?" Ben asks softly. Luke shakes his head.

"No. But your father is."

"My _father_ ," Ben echoes, turning and walking off briskly. Luke looks at Rey, concerned, but she waves him off. He gives her a short nod, leaving her to deal with her troubled cousin.

 

She finds him at the edge of the stream they used to play in as young children, tossing stones in with the Force. Always and forever the Jedi.

"Remember when it was difficult to just get a stone up in the air?" she asks, sitting down beside him on the grassy bank. "Now it's just like a game."

Silence. So she tries again.

"Apparently the mission is a rescue mission. A Stormtrooper contacted the Resistance from a Star Destroyer, wanting to defect. They want us to go get him."

More silence.

"Do you know when the last time I saw my father was?" Ben asks finally, eyes distant, focused on nothing. "Seven years ago. He was 'in the system' and dropped by for a day. Took me aboard the Falcon, played Dejarik with me and asked about my training, and the next day he was gone, off on another smuggling run."

"He contacts you every month," Rey points out.

"Would that be enough for _you_?" Ben counters. "A few short words from a hologram every month?"

Rey sighs. "No, of course not. But this is a chance to work with your father, a chance for us to show my dad we're ready for the next step."

Ben sighs, and she can sense his conflict. "It's just . . . _difficult_. To let go. Rey, you don't realize how close I was to falling to the Dark Side, all those years ago. Snoke . . . he knew everything about me. How I felt, how impatient I was. And a lot of it had to do with my father."

"But you resisted," she reminds him. "You resisted the Dark Side."

"Sometimes I wonder if I merely delayed the inevitable," Ben replies. Rey doesn't know what else to say, so she simply sits with him, letting the gentle sound of the stream calm the turmoil in her cousin's mind.

 

Eventually, they walk back to the small Academy together in an easy quiet. There's nobody in the entire world, Rey thinks, who knows her as well as Ben, and vice versa. They've always gone above and beyond all other students at her father's Academy, the perfect foils.

He is quiet, a skilled fighter with refined form and affinity to the Force. She, while also reserved, has a more ragged style, her sheer force of will propelling her to his level despite their age difference. He is ice; she is fire. Together, they drive each other to accomplish more than her father could have ever hoped.

She spies the Millennium Falcon's distinctive silhouette at the same time Ben does. His step falters a little, but she gently nudges him forward.

Han Solo is standing at the ramp, talking to Luke and her mother, Mara Jade, but the second he sees Ben he has no other focus. He doesn't exactly smile, but he immediately walks forward to his son, wearing an almost identical expression.

Father and son have more in common than they realize.

Rey steps to the side, wandering over to give them some privacy, and makes her way over to her own father.

"How is he?" Luke asks, pulling her into a one-armed half hug. Rey leans into the hug, appreciating the support. Her mother leans in and presses a quick kiss to her cheek, which she waves off good naturedly.

"He's scared seeing Uncle Han will dredge up the darkness in him," she replies softly. "He was remembering what Snoke did when I found him."

"That half-faced bastard," her mother mutters.

Luke sighs heavily. "He's stronger than he knows. Be sure to remind him of that, will you?"

"Yes, Master." He arches an eyebrow. " _Dad_ ," she amends.

Luke presses a kiss to her temple and lets her go. Han and Ben are conversing quietly as she approaches, and though Ben doesn't look completely relaxed, he looks a bit more at ease. When he sees her approaching, he calms down even more.

"If it isn't Luke's little angel," Han says, offering a half-smile in greeting. Ben snorts, earning a surprised smile from his dad, who then turns back to Rey. "I hear you've been helping keep my son in line."

"Quite the opposite," Rey replies, "Ben's the good one."

"Sounds like his mother," Han says, smile widening. "Alright, you two, get on board. I'll brief you inside."

"This is Poe Dameron," Han introduces. An olive-skinned man with curly black hair and the barest hint of a beard forming on his handsome face rises, holding a hand out to Rey, who shakes it. "Best pilot in the Resistance. Could even give me a run for my money."

"I'm a pilot too," Rey says, not meaning to make it sound like a challenge, but it does anyways. Ben openly rolls his eyes. Poe chuckles, unfazed.

"We'll have to fly together sometime," he responds.

Rey decides that she likes this pilot. Poe.

"So what system is this mission on?" Ben asks, always right to the point, never one for small talk.

"Jakku," Dameron replies. "Junkyard planet. The First Order massacred a small village there two nights ago. One of the Stormtroopers on duty that night refused to take part, and contacted us. We need to pick him up before his superiors realize he has defected."

"What does he look like?" Rey asks.

"We don't know. He didn't even give us a name. All we have is his code: FN-2187."

"So once we get to Jakku, how will we find him?" Ben asks. This time it's Han that answers.

"He's on-planet, patrolling. We'll land the Falcon on the outskirts of town, and Poe will provide a distraction. While the others are occupied, you two will take the mark back to the Falcon."

Rey and Ben exchange looks.

"You two up for this?" Dameron asks.

"More than," she answers. Ben smiles.

 

Rey and Ben arrive at Nimah Outpost early, and take residence in a small tent while they wait for Poe to arrive guns a'blazing.

Ben's quiet, more quiet than he usually is. He sits near the entrance flap to their tent, eyes scanning the small outpost. Rey sits down across from him, studying his demeanor. His hands are clasped together, thumbs nervously tapping an erratic rhythm. It's almost like he's sunken into himself.

"You're nervous," she observes. Ben's eyes shift to her, and he says nothing. "You've been sent on off-world missions before, so it can't be about this. So what is it?" Ben sighs, obviously having no intention to respond.

Rey's not one to give up, though. And he knows.

She reaches out through the Force, through their bond. He lets her in his head, probably figuring it's easier to show her his troubles rather than tell her.

He's terrified. The intensity of his fear strikes her, and she almost recoils from his thoughts but he urges her deeper in his head, to the source of his fears.

He's scared being so close to the First Order. The temptation from all those years ago lingers in the back of his mind, urging him on to turn to the Dark Side, to reach his full potential. His obsession with their grandfather, though less potent now, is rearing its ugly head, and he is petrified he will not be able to resist this time.

She retreats from his thoughts, and is startled to find a single tear rolling down his slender face.

"Ben, look at me," Rey whispers. Her cousin looks up from beneath his thick eyelashes, eyes red with unshed tears, lip quivering in fear. "You are not alone in this. I won't let you go through this alone, understand?"

Ben breaks their eye contact, returning his gaze to the ground.

He doesn't reply.

 

Ben goes missing in the middle of the mission. One moment, Rey can sense him battling the First Order alongside her. The next, she is cut off from his mind and fighting alone.

 

She goes after him alone, ordering her uncle to stay behind and let her handle it. Ben may have cut her off from his thoughts, but she already knows him better than he knows himself.

He's near a fallen Star Destroyer, but he's not alone. He's holding his lightsaber to the throat of a slender man with red hair, clearly a high-ranking officer in the First Order. She ducks behind a dune, just barely able to hear what they are saying.

"The Supreme Leader's offer still stands," the stranger says. "Your powers are wasted with the feeble Jedi Order your family thinks they've constructed."

"I will _not_ betray them," Ben growls, "You cannot make me."

"No," the man replies, "But they will betray you." Ben falters. "You think your family loves you? They _fear_ you. They sense your immense power, and they fear it. They want to control it, control you."

"That's a lie!" Rey shouts, emerging from her hiding spot. Ben doesn't turn, but his mental shields shatter for her, letting her witness all of the chaos in his mind.

His consciousness is a mess of emotions, but she senses it immediately. The cold, empty dread she never noticed before.

Snoke is _there_. In his head.

"How long has he been there?" Rey demands, horrified. "How long have you been hiding this from me?" Ben flinches, feeling her disappointment and grief for him.

"I'm so sorry, Rey," he whispers. The strange man's fear gives way to sickening triumph. Rey lunges at him, hitting his pretty little face with a harsh right hook, knocking him out cold.

"You're not apologizing to me, Ben," she hisses, "You're coming back with me and we're going to figure this out."

"I can't resist any longer," Ben groans, dropping to his knees. Rey cannot hear what Snoke is saying to him, through whatever connection they have, but her cousin's agony pierces her. She kneels in front of him.

"Look at me," she whispers. "Ben, look at me." After an excruciating pause, Ben heaves his head up, his bloodshot eyes looking right into hers.

"Help me," he whimpers.

"You," she says fiercely, "-are so, _so_ very loved. Your parents both care for you, as imperfect as your relationship with them is. My parents see you as the son they never had. And Benji, you know what you mean to me. You've been my best friend my whole life.

"Our family has darkness in it. But we find balance, and we have each other. Don't let Snoke use you. You are the master of your fate. Your powers are yours to command, not his." She grips his shaking hands in hers, letting his lightsaber fall to the ground. "Come home with me. _Please_."

He crumples before her, burying his head in her lap. "He's in my mind," he moans, wretched sobs escaping. Rey can't stop her own tears as she cradles her cousin in her arms, helplessly trying to soothe away a demon of the Dark Side. "I'm being torn apart."

"I'm here, I'm here," she reminds him, "I'm not going anywhere."

He screams, his mind shattering through hers, and she anchors herself to him.

Come what may, their fates are linked, and he will never be alone.

 

Rey wakes with a start, sweat beading down her face. She feels like she can't breathe; her head is pounding, searing with the weight of her dream.

It felt so real. She had an entire history in her mind, a full relationship with her father, actually knowing her mother and Han.

Kylo Ren. _Ben_.

She saw everything, what he could have been. Everything she could have had. Everything they could have had.

"Rey?"

She jumps at the sound of Luke's voice, more worn and tired than the voice from her dream. Sadder. He's lingering at the doorway to her room at the base she shares with Finn and Poe, both of whom are fast asleep.

She rises from her bad, quickly putting on a cloak before guiding her father away from her sleeping friends to one of the base lounges, where she sits, curling in on herself slightly. Luke sits close to her, a warm presence.

"Do you remember," he finally asks after several long moments of silence, "When I told you about my hardest test?"

"The test of character," Rey recalls, "Of course I do."

"It was a vision in a cave. Master Yoda knew I was nearly obsessed with facing Vader, and he knew what I could potentially become, so he sent me into that cave knowing what I would see."

"Did you give me my dream?" Rey asks. "It felt so real." To her surprise, her father shakes his head.

"I did not send you this dream. I merely sensed to root of your sudden panic and thought you might like some insight."

"Then where did it come from?" Rey implores. Again, he shrugs.

"The Force works in mysterious ways," he intones, "Perhaps it sensed your lingering focus on what might have been instead of what actually is."

Rey shakes her head, puzzled. "But I _don't_ wonder that often."

 

Across the galaxy, Kylo Ren lies wide awake, staring into the darkness and wishing it would devour him whole.

He hates himself for dreaming of Rey. Of Han Solo and Luke Skywalker and the Jedi. He hates himself for dreaming of himself as Ben Solo, of remembering the warmth of family. Of remembering Mara Jade's face, and the life that filled the Jedi Academy.

But most of all, he hates himself for the split second after he woke up when he wished the dream was real.


End file.
